Joke of the Day on my iGoogle account.

I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- I'm still winning

Step Brothers

"Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one, go!"

"We're here to fuck shit up!" 

"Robert better not get in my face... 'cause I'll drop that motherfucker!"

"I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you! "

 "Derek: So, what do we do now?
Brennan Huff: We could hug?
Derek: Yeah, you'd like that, you faggot!... I'm sorry, I'm new to this."

 "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!"

 "You have the voice of an angel. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus"

 "I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?"

 "Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!
Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!
Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!"

" Shut your mouth. Sh-sh-shut your mouth."

 "You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!"

 "Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes " Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and she grabs me by the weiner."

 "I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home."

 "Brennan Huff: Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?
Derek: What?
Brennan Huff: If you lick my butt hole." 

" You're waking the neighbors! Shut up!"

"Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!"

 "Are you fucking crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated."

"Brennan Huff: Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, "Lets get it on."
Dale Doback: That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper!"

How could the Mayan's know the end of the world?

Why would they know the end of the world? They didn't have any pants. Did you know that? They didn't have the invention of pants. You think you can crack the secrets of the universe but not the secret of pockets? They just made a lot of calendars and they never said it's the end of the world -- goofy white people made that up.

My Journal Story this Week For English

Leaves swirled around as in a tornado sync outside the forest full of orange and red and yellow. Pushing past the branches and other obstacles, Samantha continued to rush forward with no idea where to. Samantha comes to a stopping point in the middle of the forest where she throws off her backpack and drops to her knees. With her hands pressed to her face she let a river of freezing tears fall from bloodshot eyes. “I’ll never go back to that place. No matter how harsh the weather’s and conditions get for me.” She said in between breaths. “I will never let my father lay a hand on me again.” She pulled herself together and continued her journey. Hours go by and she finds a nice sitting rock where she plans to sleep for now. She lays on her back staring up at the stars, letting the outside sounds surround her to help her sleep. As her eyes gradually fall together she hears rustling. Quickly sitting up a warm hand appears on her shoulder. A loud cry comes from her as the warm hand once on her shoulder is now cupping her mouth. “Shhh,” the old man’s voice soothed. “I did not mean to startle you. Let me introduce myself, and if you still want to runaway, I’ll let you go.” Samantha nods and the man let’s go of her mouth. He takes a seat. Within minutes Samantha knows plenty about the man. How his name is Hal, he’s 42, and why he’s living in the woods. Hal’s kids had been murdered in his home while he was gone at work. When he returned home and called the police he was instantly put on trial for the murder of his children. Hal was not going to let the publicity say that he had murdered the things he most cared for. Samantha gave him a comforting hug and followed up but letting Hal know her story. After she was finished Hal offered, “Well, I think it’ll be hard out here for either of us on our own. Let’s go through this together.” “Sounds like a deal.” Samantha agreed. They exchanged handshakes and then hall brushed a pile of leaves next to the rock Samantha was sleeping on and used them as a blanket as they both fell asleep not knowing what the journey for them awaits in the morning.

ILoveYou

Dear Samantha Douglas-(KA Douglas), Corey Ward-(Pancake), and Johnathan Chaney-(Romeo),
 
I've come to the conclusion that..

I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU.
<3

You Know...

I haven't had anything to blog about in a while D;

Acne.

Dear Acne,

 I will destroy you >;1

God Damnit,

Don't you just fucking hate:

When your father forgets or doesn't have the money to pay for the phone bill.

And in the middle of no where you cannot text or call anyone?

Can't go to sleep with Corey on the phone.

Can't hear his voice until the next morning.

Cannot text him goodmorning.

Can't text him while I'm bored out of my mind on the way to schoool or home.

Can't talk to him when I'm having a bad day.

Can't talk to Smantha after all this shit is going on with her.

I'm sorry you guys.

I'll soon get a job and pay for my own.

</3 

Take The Middle Finger.

I'm Too Tired to Care.

Everybody sucks.

Case Closed.

Truth:

Rascal Flatts's Lyrics.

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside,
show the world the warmth of your smile,
but more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more then you take.

But more than anything, Yeah, and more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
this is my wish
i hope you know somebody loves you
may all your dreams stay big

Crazy.

"When Jesus comes back, these crazy, greedy, capitalistic men are gonna kill him again."

 

Liar.

I've been nice to people I dislike just to get some drama out of my life.
I've said things to boyfriends I've had that I didn't really think just so they would stop complaining.
I've told friends that I can't help them with their problem just because at times I don't really care.
I've told my parents that I don't do certain things just so I don't get into trouble.
I've broken promises to play games or something with my siblings just so they'll do something for me.
I've smiled and told people that nothing bothers me just so you won't ask me about my day.
I've told that things came up just so I don't have to go wherever they wanted me to go with them.
I've been two-faced to people just so I don't have to be torn up by picking sides.
I've made up stories about my life just so you won't feel sympathy for me about my life.
I've nodded my head when people ask if I understand  just so you won't repeat yourself.
I've told  that I've told them a billion times before even if I haven't just so I don't have to repeat myself.
I've plagiarized writing for some classes just so I don't have to do my work.
I've pretended I was in a bad mood so just so I don't have to hear you talk to me that day.
I've said my phone hasn't been working right just so I don't have to answer your phone calls.

I've said so many lies and been a complete dick just so I can get by easily on certain things in my life.

As a man once said:

"Oh well, the truth doesn't matter anyway."

Wal*Mart.

So Corey and I went to Wal*Mart with my mom.
We do the usual running around and such.
We head back to the car put the groceries in.
When we start to get in the car, Corey finds three un-opened Durex condoms in the parking lot.
My  mom was like, "You two would be the only people to realize condoms in the parking-lot."
We open them in the back seat, a red one, and orange one, and a yellow one.
They smelt of cherries, oranges, and bananas.
Corey blows up the orange one and flys it out the window as we drive home down Highway 54.
I Put my hand in the other two.
After the fun messing with them we realized something.
Durex condoms hold together freakishly well, actually have taste, and are least vulnerable of any condom known so far (unless you shove your hand through it frantically.)
;D

Awesome.

I am totally awesome and out of my mind(;

So yesterday, I was making a TV dinner that had pudding with it.

So I grab a spoon from the drawer.

Mom was in the kitchen at the time and Corey was on speaker phone (as always).

And I thought out loud to myself,

"If people can hang spoons from their noses, can I do it from my belly-button?"

Mom calls me a 'weirdo' and Corey laughs.

I attempt it and fail.

I tried the other side and failed again.

So I lick the back of the spoon and next thing I know I was walking around the kitchen using my suction belly-button abilities to carry a spoon.

It's pretty bad ass if you ask me.

However, my mom thinks I'm a creep.

;D 

In Advocates.

Dear Zach Oost,

thanks for the chocolate(;

If This Doesn't Make You Smile I Will Cut You From Ear to Ear.

I'd like you to meet, My Everything<3

This is my boyfriend, Corey Taylor Ward.

 (Isn't he beautiful?)

Anyway, I love him every second of every freakin' day!

He means so much to me.

Nothing will ever take his perfectness away from me.

All we do is laugh and have a great time around one another.

He's not yours, he's all mine and I'm not sharing.

( So back off hoe(; )

Corey, you are everything to me.

We do everything together, and I must say, I love having you by my side all the time.

We do the most random things that people wouldn't undertsand.

We're an odd couple;D

If either of us were in a relationship with anyone else but each other then everything would get screwed.

Because we know no one else can relate to our awkward ways.

Okay, none of this sounds as good as most things I write you.

But something is better than nothing, right?

However, something that will never change is, I will always.....

Love You<3

Haha.

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to sotmach.

A human hair can hold 3kg.

The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance while we stand.

 

Women had just finished reading this.

Men are still looking at their thumbs.

Just something to brighten your day(;

Jimi Hendrix.

"I'm the one that has to die, when it's my time to die. So let me live my life the way I want to."

-Jimi Hendrix.

 

Live your life the way you want to. Don't hold back, and no regrets. It doesn't last forever. So get yelled at, get in trouble. Yell at yourself and yell at others. Scream at the top of your lungs and sing your heart out.

Do what you want, and don't give a damn what anyone else thinks. 

 

Just Live Your Life.

My Favorite Quotes.

"I hope life is not a joke, because I don't get it."

"I saw this girl next to me who wasn't beautiful until she smiled."

"Idle time is the Devil's play thing."

"I felt dazed, like I had just come out of a four hour movie I didn't understand."

"You're growing up. And rain sort of remains on the branches of a tree that will someday rule the Earth. And it's good that there is rain. It clears the month of your sorry rainbow expressions, and it clears the streets of the silent armies... so we can dance."

"We are all here to fill our own small silences with dancing."

"This is see you later, I'm not into 'goodbyes'."

"I'll go ahead and re-elect perfection, it's never looked as good as it does on your right now."

"That's a lot of meat in one wiener."

"I once read that the only philosophical question that matters is whether or not to commit suicide. I guess that makes me a philosopher."

"I'd like two words on my tombstone: 'What If?' "   

"The good ole days weren't always good, and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems.”

I hate.

Don't you just fucking hate:

How the guy that goes around all of Owensboro telling people that you cheated on your boyfriend with him is the one that is cheating on his girlfriend with some blonde chick?

I think it's quite hypocritical if you ask me.

I'm just pissed out my mind.

Like seriously?

You said you wanted to leave my life and have no part of it, yet, you are still telling people shit.

Still texting my boyfriend shit.

Still trying to start shit.

If you said you're going to fucking leave, then stop being an overly obsessed, two-faced, bitch and just leave. Instead of trying to look cool for your friends by pretending you aren't interested.

When it's bluntly obvious that you still are.

Other wise you would've dropped it.

FUCK YOU!

PISS OFF!

TAKE IT IN THE ASS!

SUCK DICK!

EAT SHIT!

KILL YOURSELF YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SPACE!

 

Conscious.

Dear Conscious,

 shut the fuck up. 

I don't need you constantly reminding me what I'm doing is wrong.

Thank you,

Taylor.

 

With Their Big Fake Smiles and Stupid Lies

"I hope life is not a joke, because I don't get it."

Our Story.

An average teenage girl re-unites with the guy of her dreams. 

Who soon become friends and awfully start to gradually trust each other and 

share secrets top better their bond. 

They soon become relationship partners.

Both weak kneed all the time to the fact that they didn't know what to do or say around one another.

Within time, their comfort zones tend to grow so the other person could come in and fill them.

After this they say the three little words that meant so much because they both knew it was real.

Falling more in love with each other day by day.

He says she's always in his embrace.

She says she's always there to hold his hand.

When together they realize that they don't notice anyone else around them.

Like they're the only two in the whole room.

He looks in her glistening eyes as she looks back up into his warming smile.

They seal it with a soft, memorable kiss every time.

And from that moment on, I hear they have been inseparable ever since<3

.

Netsweeper.

Netsweeper,
You suck penis.


Corey Ward, 
You fail. 

D;<

I hate you Target.

-I hate how you put my baby through stress.
-I hate how  you lessen the time I get to spend with him.
-I hate how you leave me bored for hours when I could be talking to him.
- I hate how you make him complain.
-I hate how you frustrate him and I both.
- I hate how you cause me to miss him.
- I hate how you work him on weekends.
- I hate how you make him frown.
- I hate how I have to make him smile just to clean up the forwning mess you made.


I hate you Target. I hate you.

Hey Slut.

You suck.

Hard.

So go suck a dick.

I'll watch you choke.

With a smile on my face.

You'll choke slut, choke.

A Beautiful Novel.

I'm afraid these thoughts fighting inside my head will never find their way out.

They are captured in a giant, hollow room.

Never to escape.
So jumbled together to the point I'll never be able to think straight or know what to expect from myself.
Like a beautiful, edge of your seat novel that has no last page.
You realize the empty paper and think, 'What do I do now?'
Will you make your own ending?
Do you just close the book and forget about it?
Or do you just go completely insane to the thought of it?
I'm categorized under 'insane'.
It's mind altering what the thoughts do to me.
Is there a way to manage this better?
Maybe there isn't a way to manage it at all.
I wish I could just shut them up.
My life is just one giant, beautiful novel that has no last page,
And I am utterly insane.

Dizzy Dizzy.

Dizzy Dizzy

Head spinning 'round.

Dizzy Dizzy

Don't fall down.

Dizzy Dizzy

Hit your head.

Dizzy Dizzy

Fall down dead.

History Class.

Sitting in class with nothing to do;

Figured I'd sit here and write to you.

Sitting here with a lot on my mind;

I'm so stressed, I can't define.

This school is so stupid and ignorant most;

It makes me want to slit my throat.

Life is stupid and nothing but shit;

Which makes me want another hit,

Off that cigarette that represents us;

With stressful imagination, no love, only lust.

So drink your whiskey, drink your gen;

Let's drink until our livers' fucking bleeding.

Cramps.

Dear Midol,

you are my new best-friend<3